ARTIFICIAL MEANS
(Christine Lavin, Copyright Flip-A-Jig Music 1984)
Johnny and Janie were the perfect married couple
But not in bed
Oh they tried taking drugs, How-To Books, even Dr. Ruth
But for all intents and purposes,
Their love life was dead.
'Till one day Janie went over to the Pink Pussycat Boutique.
She bought a long cylindrical thing.
Now Janie is smiling, Johnny is not.
Every night you can hear him sing,
He says,
``Our love is bein' kept alive by Artificial Means,
You've grown emotionally attach
Bones & Joints lyrics

Cloud my eyes and tell me what to see
I'm falling
Every way I turn the same disease
But I like it
Brace myself and hit the wall with ease
Colliding
I'm not minding the pain
I've been down here before
All my bones and joints are sore
F
ed to that little pink machine,
Our relationship is not as healthy as it seems
'Cause our love is being kept alive by artificial means''
Johnny went down to the barroom
He bought one drink, he bought two, he bought three.
Oh, he moaned to the bartender the state of his married life.
Bartender said, ``Hey Bud, just listen to me.''
So Johnny went over to the Pink Pussycat Boutique,
He bought a plastic blow-up doll.
Now Johnny is smiling, Janie is not.
She is angry she is jealous, she's appalled.
She says
``Our love is bein' kept alive by 
Flogging A Dead Horse lyrics

Head thunder lightsMy feelings distortedI sense the pleasure, the goat in meFuckStart flogging the fuckin' dead horseYou know you want toStart fuckin' the flogged dead horseYou know you've got toStare, smile, beat the trad
rtificial Means
You've grown emotionally attached to that poly-ethylene.
Our relationship is not as healthy as it seems,
'Cause our love is being kept alive by artificial means''
Bridge: Wires (wires), Switches (switches), Batteries
(batteries), Plastic (plastic),
Tufts of polyester hair.
Who'd ever think they could replace the love (love!)
Humans used to share (humans used to, humans used to,
humans used to, humans used to!)
Then one fateful day those batteries died
At the same moment that that big doll sprung a leak (psssss).
Janie lo
Don't Look Back lyrics

There is a place where the wild me go

when it's late at night and on the radio.
They're telling everybody stay at home

it's no time for you to be alone.

It is a place on the edge of town

just shinig in a hell-fire light. - They're wait
oked at Johnny looked at Janie looked at Johnny,
They both found it difficult to speak
I wish I could say they threw those contraptions away
And fell in love all over again,
But Johnny taped up that hissing woman
When Janie stole the batteries from his Sony Walkman.
Their love is bein kept alive by Artificial Means.
They've grown emotionally attached to those modern sex
machines.
Their relationship is not as healthy as it seems,
'Cause their love is being kept alive by artificial means
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